


i wish we met before

by pomelo_froot



Category: Hunter X Hunter
Genre: Flashbacks, Gen, Kalluto Escapes, Kalluto and Alluka being besties, Mostly Canon Compliant, Post-Canon, Pre-Canon, Sibling Bonding, Trans Alluka Zoldyck, Zoldyck Family - Freeform, he/they pronouns for kalluto, kalluto centric, post succession war arc, succession war arc spoilers
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-01-01
Updated: 2021-01-16
Packaged: 2021-03-11 06:28:03
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 12,254
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28466805
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/pomelo_froot/pseuds/pomelo_froot
Summary: "Maybe this is why Mother and Father discouraged Killua’s departure from Kukuroo Mountain. Once you have a taste of the outside, it’s hard to come back home and stay."It's been two and a half years since Kalluto left the estate and joined The Phantom Troupe. They went back home after stepping off the Black Whale, but Kalluto feels discontent. He does something risky: he tries again. He'll find Killua this time.A party at Crescentwood Mansion is where they find themselves. Who did he find there instead? What will spark from their meeting?Kalluto leaves behind envy and embraces friendship. And it feels... nice.
Relationships: Alluka Zoldyck & Kalluto Zoldyck, Gon Freecs/Killua Zoldyck, Illumi Zoldyck & Milluki Zoldyck, Kalluto Zoldyck & Killua Zoldyck, Nanika & Kalluto Zoldyck
Comments: 13
Kudos: 58





	1. Kukuroo Mountain

**Author's Note:**

  * For [bbdubie](https://archiveofourown.org/users/bbdubie/gifts).



> my friend (@bbdubie on twitter and instagram) drew me a picture of Kalluto and Alluka being besties so now im writing a fic about it

Maybe this is why Mother and Father discouraged Killua’s departure from Kukuroo Mountain. 

Once you have a taste of the outside, it’s hard to come back home and stay.

Kalluto’s mother was certainly displeased when he said he would be leaving again.

They were sitting under the gazebo in the garden when Kalluto brought up the idea.

She placed her tea cup back on it’s saucer.

“You tried, Kalluto, dear, but you should leave the task of retrieving Killua to your eldest brother.”

Kalluto pursed their lips and looked down at their own tea cup. The lump of sugar their mother had dropped in was dissolving. He didn’t even like his tea with sugar. But he never objected.

Sweet little Kalluto.

Obedient little Kalluto.

Keep your mouth shut and trail behind your mother. 

But keep pace! 

Don’t fall behind. 

You won’t be able to call for help when you trip, yell ‘Wait up!’ when you lag, and have her stop for you while you pick yourself up and your make haste with your feet.

Sweet little Kalluto.

Sweet like the lump of sugar breaking away and shrinking in the brown liquid you stir.

“That’s actually not what I wanted to leave for.”

Keep your voice without a hint of tone, Kalluto. Be smacked or be dragged down to the torture chamber. Who knows how Mother is feeling today.

“Oh?”

“While I was gone before, I made some allies.” He started carefully. 

Telling half-truths and, god forbid, _lies_ to Mother is a dangerous feat.

_“You lie with that tongue? You’ll learn.”_

Did Milluki’s tongue ever recover from that punishment? Kalluto knows Milluki still glances at the tongue clamp cautiously, even now.

Kalluto _had_ made some allies when they left Kukuroo Mountain two and a half years ago. That part wasn’t a lie.

They were more than allies.

They were… family.

And now most of them are dead.

They didn’t like to dwell on the fact.

“They need my help and in return for my assistance, they said they would help me with something as well.” Kalluto stirred his tea with his spoon. 

He looked to the side where his eyes landed on the garden flowers. He forced his head to turn back to his mother.

“I was hoping to use the favor that they would owe me for a mission in the future. It would be… quite useful.”

Mother took a long sip from her cup. The pink pigment on her lips transferred over to the rim.

She smacked her lips softly.

“That sounds like something you should discuss with your father.”

Kalluto had never really spoken to their father before. 

Would Father be upset with him for running off to join The Phantom Troupe when he had explicitly forbade his children from ever interacting with them?

_‘I’ll be fine, right? If he were really angry, I would’ve suffered a lot more than I did when I first arrived back home.’_

Still, they couldn’t shake the anxiousness.

If only he were old enough to leave the property without permission, like Big Brother Illumi. If only he were much less noticeable and much more ignored than he already was, so he could sneak out like shadow, unnoticed.

Funny how for years, being noticed, held to importance, was something Kalluto wanted more than anything. And now, they wanted to slip away without trouble, for something even less guaranteed than simply having their existence acknowledged.

Funny how wants can change so drastically.

Troublesome.

Kalluto was anxious for nothing, he learned.

“For the most part, you are obedient.”

Obedient, sure.

It’s not as if they disobeyed strict orders to stay away from The Phantom Troupe or anything like that.

“However, I did not appreciate your defiance when I heard you joined The Spiders,”

Kalluto braced themselves.

“Though, I am not as angry now as I was before. I am willing to let it slide considering you felt it necessary in order to find and bring back your brother… and considering you had Illumi’s support.”

Kalluto’s lowered head shot up in surprise.

Wait what?

“You are nearly thirteen years old, correct? And you are sure these allies are worth assisting?”

Kalluto swallowed. He tilted his head downwards again. His hands gripped the dark fabric of his kimono.

“Yes, Father.”

Silva focused his narrowed eyes and cat-like pupils on his child. It was a weighted stare.

Kalluto fought the need to break a sweat on their temple.

Silva’s face of stone made the tension in the room spin around them slowly. His intimidation was immense. Kalluto forced himself to keep his body still.

Silva finally spoke.

“Alright then. I grant you permission to leave.” 

Kalluto exhaled through their mouth with a smile of relief.

“Son.”

Silva’s voice was stern.

Kalluto nodded up

“Y-Yes?”

“Make wise decisions.”

“Yes Father.”

“I trust you are able to do that. You did associate yourself with The Spiders and avoided various threats and… complications. There’s no reason you should be easily deceived by the allies you make.”

Kalluto smiled, concealing excitement. He considered it praise, something he rarely received. 

They adjusted their tone of voice to something holding less emotion when they spoke again.

“Thank you for allowing me to take up this opportunity.” He said, eyes closed and head bowed.

“You are dismissed.”

Kalluto got up politely and headed out the room.

The hallway was far less suffocating in comparison to the atmosphere present in Father’s room.

Kalluto inhaled.

_Ok... now what?_

His plan wasn’t flawless, much to Kalluto’s dismay.

The truth is, Kalluto wanted to leave forever.

Kalluto always grew up recognizing his older brother as someone great.

Killua was perfect.

He had Mother’s full attention and _love._

He had Illumi’s care and Milluki’s hatred and Father’s hope and Grandfather’s praise.

Yet Killua didn’t share the same feelings towards any of them. He couldn’t care less.

Killua didn’t even _like_ being an assassin. It was his destiny and he didn’t even like it. Killua didn’t want to inherit the business.

What Killua wanted was a life of his own.

And that day that he left Mother and Big Brother Milluki wounded, left Kalluto alone to tend to them both, Kalluto can’t remember being able to understand.

Couldn’t Killua see that everyone thought great things of him? Even Milluki recognized his incredible potential.

Why couldn’t Killua see how lucky he was?

Why couldn’t Killua see _them?_

Mother was happy with her wounds. She sent Illumi to look after him.

And then Killua came back, just like how Father said he would.

But something was different.

Father often described Killua as rebellious.

_‘Rebellious… what could that mean?’_

When Kalluto learned the meaning of that word, he could definitely see Killua fitting the definition. 

But when he came back, Killua didn’t seem so rebellious.

More like defeated and sad.

 _‘So he has learned his lesson,’_ Kalluto thought.

Kalluto was wrong.

Because hiding behind the green leaves of a bush, his pink eyes observed three people he couldn’t recognize.

A short boy with black, spiky hair, being sent flying back after being struck by Canary’s rod, time and time again.

He was accompanied by a tall man with a blue suit and tie and round sunglasses, along with a shorter man with blonde hair, wearing a jacket that resembled a long red tang suit.

Who were these people?

Kalluto didn’t know. So they asked.

The sun was starting to set. The boy with spiky black hair was bruised and bloodied.

_“Who are you? Tell me.”_

_“We’re Killua’s friends.”_ The boy had said.

_“You’re… his friends?”_

Killua made friends? And they came back for him?

Who exactly was he looking at?

A boy who traveled far for Killua.

Opened the gates for Killua.

Had taken a severe beating for Killua.

Who exactly was this boy? And who did he think he was? 

Kalluto didn’t understand. But they did know that the boy cared a lot for Killua.

Once again, Killua had managed to capture hearts. Killua’s pedestal rose in Kalluto’s mind.

Strong Killua.

Perfect Killua.

All eyes on you. 

They’re the eyes of people who care about you. And that might as well be everyone.

And where do you feel Kalluto’s eyes?

Do you even feel them?

He’s staring.

Do you feel their stare?

When Killua left once again, he glared an icy glare at Mother, turned a cold shoulder at Kalluto, and walked towards warmth.

Kalluto didn’t understand the warmth. So he searched for it themselves.

Instead of finding Killua, or even the bruised and bloodied boy, he found The Spiders.

Finally, Kalluto understood.

And then souls were reaped.

Death was a familiar thing, but Kalluto had never called out to Death to try and convince them to let the souls stay in all the times he’d seen them. Not until recently.

Kalluto went back home.

That’s when Kalluto learned that Killua had actually come back. Only not for long.

When Kalluto was out searching for him, Killua had come back willingly.

Come back… how?

Come back like Illumi completing a mission?

Come back like himself, sad and defeated?

Or… come back like the boy with spiky hair?

Come back to take someone away.

_Me! Killua came to take me away!_

_Fool. Killua doesn’t care about you. Does he even remember your name?_

_Me! Killua came for me!_

_Are you listening? You weren’t even home. Killua didn’t come for you. Big Brother didn’t come for you the way that boy came for him._

_Me…_

_He came…_

_For me._

_Stop ignoring yourself! You aren’t like Killua. Nobody is coming for you. Why do you want to leave anyway?_

_Who did he come for?_

Alluka.

Estranged Big Sister Alluka.

Staring into her pink room, Kalluto felt green envy, slow like tar, bubbling up within them. 

It was dangerous envy. Envy that can so easily turn into resentment and anger. Kalluto let it continue bubbling.

When they were little, Kalluto and Alluka would play together, according to Milluki. The three often went on walks.

However, that was before Kalluto began training, and therefore, before he could remember.

What they _could_ remember was hiding behind Mother, clinging onto her kimono with small and grabby hands, watching Killua and Alluka run around and chase each other with toy dinosaurs and action figures.

He could remember watching Alluka play with dolls as he folded origami paper with Mother. They were his dolls and his dollhouse. He never played with them, but he always felt a wave of selfishness wash over him whenever they saw Alluka play with them.

Before, Alluka would get hit and scolded for playing with them.

_“Little boys don’t play with those.”_

He could remember thinking:

_‘Am I not a boy? I feel like one. Kind of. Why doesn’t Mother hit me when I play with them?’_

But he could also remember something sinister spin and twirl inside him whenever Alluka got hit and scolded.

That’s what she got for touching his things.

But Alluka could never stay away from the dollhouse for too long, no matter how scary Mother was to her. She always gravitated towards it.

Soon, Mother stopped trying. It became a lesser concern. Kalluto was disappointed and it made him feel awful for feeling that way. He never knew why he felt so mean towards his sister, but now it’s clear.

Kalluto was jealous.

Alluka was Killua’s best friend. Killua played with Alluka.

Killua never played with Kalluto.

When Alluka was separated from the rest of the family, Kalluto felt a slight hint of happiness swirl inside him like vapor.

Killua felt the opposite.

Killua became sad.

He was sent away to Heaven’s Arena and Kalluto didn’t see him for two years.

When Killua came back, he was so different.

He was bitter.

The very last bits of child-like innocence inside of him were drained and his light dimmed.

At least he couldn’t remember Alluka.

But even so, Killua still never spoke to him or even looked Kalluto’s way.

He stopped playing, too.

He started being assigned more jobs than before.

Looking back, Kalluto could understand why his older brother became miserable living an assassin’s life.

In any case, Killua wasn’t supposed to remember Alluka.

Scratch that-

In the case in which Killua never took out Illumi’s needle, he wasn’t supposed to remember Alluka, which means he did. He took out the needle.

And despite their estrangement, despite never wanting to return, Killua came back for Alluka.

Milluki and Illumi said Killua came back to make a wish to save his friend.

That got Kalluto thinking,

_‘Which friend?’_

Kalluto knew who it had to be.

The boy with spiky black hair, willing to risk his life for Killua by coming to the Zoldyck Estate two years ago.

If he cared about Killua _that_ much, and if Killua felt the same, he’d be the most likely candidate.

Killua wouldn’t come back for Kalluto, but he would for Alluka.

Killua wouldn't come back for Kalluto, but he would for the boy.

That’s when Kalluto realized…

Instead of waiting for someone like that boy or Killua, he had to _be_ like Killua.

He had to make it out himself.

So he came up with a plan.


	2. State of Distress

Kalluto breathed in the dawn’s chilly air as the bus stopped with a squeal coming from the breaks. He walked towards the opened doors and stepped on.

_ Ok. Let’s go over the plan again, shall we? _

Kalluto ran their hands through their shiny dark hair as they paced in their room.

The short string of paper dolls cut in the shape of their brothers was left ripped up in pieces on the dark purple settee at the end of their bed.

Kalluto reflected on the conversation he overheard.

_ “Look what I dug up.”  _

_ Kalluto heard the clacking sounds of a keyboard come out through the paper doll. _

_ “Looks like Kil has an invitation to Edgar Lalune III’s housewarming party at Crescentwood Mansion.” _

_ Kalluto could hear the smirk in Milluki’s disembodied voice. _

_ “Take a look at the guest list. Guess who’s also on there.” _

_ Illumi paused. _

_ “Alluka.” _

_ “Bingo.” _

_ Illumi hummed in thought.  _

_ “Of course. They’re always together. Kil never leaves Alluka out of his sight.” _

_ Kalluto heard Milluki speak again. _

_ “You haven’t tracked them down in a while. This could be the perfect chance.” _

_ “It could be. I have something planned already, though.” _

_ “Oh yeah?” _

_ “Yes. I’ve been meaning to tell you, actually. Your assistance is required.” _

_ “What do you need?” _

_ “I need you to invent some sort of… projectile device. Something to shoot my Hypnotic Spell needles out of fast and discretely. I need the placement of the needle to be virtually impossible to notice.” _

_ Kalluto’s eyes widened. _

_ “Hm. I’m liking what I'm hearing. I’ll come up with a sketch.” _

_ Their voices were replaced with keyboard clacking and mouse clicking, as well as chip crunching sounds. Milluki’s voice re-entered Kalluto’s ears. _

_ “When are you planning on using it?” _

_ “Hm?” _

_ “Oh it’s just that I need to know a deadline. It’ll take me around four weeks for the finished product if accuracy, durability, and practicality is what you’re after.” _

_ “That’s fine. I’ll be back on Kil’s tail with your information soon enough. Take as long as you want, within reason, of course. Knock yourself out.” _

_ “M’kay.” _

_ “I’ll take my leave now. Have fun watching cartoons or whatever it is that you do all day.” _

_ “Haha very funny. See ya.” _

_ Milluki’s door closed with a click. _

_ Kalluto had to leave sooner than he thought. _

Many possibilities and scenarios had to be considered to lower the risk as much as possible. 

_ Many  _ possibilities and scenarios.

Kalluto knew they hadn’t thought of all of them, and the thought alone made him want to pull out his hair and sink his nails into his skin.

Every hole in his plan brought him distress, no matter how ‘insignificant’ they would seem.

He didn’t even know when they were expected to return home or if they were even expected to return at all.

But even distress is costly. They had to make sure to keep a level head or risk jeopardizing  _ everything. _

But no pressure, right?

Nevertheless, Kalluto put much of their focus onto the most likely scenarios, dedicating the rest to the not-so-likely.

Kalluto could only hope he reserved an appropriate amount of focus for each.

Chaperones.

Zoldyck butlers are trained to serve in many ways, including protecting the Zoldyck family with their lives as well as offering willingness to throw it all away for reasons that range from vain to honorable.

Chaperoning may be one of the many things to end up on a Zoldyck butler’s long list of duties.

Despite what Father had said, Kalluto wasn’t so sure he was trusted.

Kalluto didn’t know of any chaperone that would be tagging along, but that didn’t mean that there weren’t any.

A detour or two had to be taken to get any possible secret chaperones off their tail.

Contact.

Kalluto had a phone.

Well, actually, he had two.

One was used for contacting clients and his family for purposes concerning jobs.

The other was used to contact and communicate with the troupe. 

Kalluto had discarded the second one a long time ago.

But even if they didn’t, their brothers would still have access to both devices and would still be able to reach and locate him through either of them.

Tracking devices.

Any one of their family members could attach a tracking device to them without Kalluto ever realizing it.

In fact, a tracking device was attached to him the last time he left, as requested by Mother. 

He didn’t realize it until Machi’s intuitions had prompted a search.

Kalluto learned later that it hadn’t been used to track him at all, almost as if his family had forgotten that they even attached it to them in the first place.

Kalluto rendered it useless and got rid of it. 

It made no difference.

But this time, every little thing mattered.

It only takes one hair raised out of suspicion to check a tracking device. Kalluto would be done for.

Money.

Money can easily be traced.

Using Zoldyck money is risky. But objects of monetary value aren't that hard to come by in the Zoldyck mansion. And pawn shops aren’t rare.

There was too much to consider. 

But handling things with care, walking on eggshells, wasn’t unfamiliar to Kalluto.

They were sure they might have mastered the art.

Maybe a little unsure.

But there was certainly confidence within him when it came to the ability.

The holes in his plan could be made up for. Kalluto just had to know when to hesitate and when to leave things up to instinct.

All in all, the plan could easily be summarized as becoming a ghost to the world, including their family. Leaving not even the faintest trace of their existence.

How hard could it be?

Kalluto felt his stomach become sick.

_ ‘No no no. I have to be certain I can do this. This isn’t a time for hesitation.’ _

Kalluto felt the bus come to a halt. 

It was his first stop out of many. Kalluto would make the most out of the finite amount of time he was given.

_ ‘Big Brother _

_ I’ll definitely find you this time.’ _

  
  


Kalluto had come to find that three weeks wasn’t nearly enough time to take each and every precaution, but the night Kalluto had been dreading, yet anxiously awaiting had finally arrived.

Kalluto climbed the gray stone stairs carved into the side of a hill, the night time sky draping over the atmosphere was getting darker, yet simultaneously brighter.

What was once a soft gradient of orange, yellow, and pink had turned to dark blue with accents of white, all thanks to the moon and the billions of stars littering the sky.

Kalluto walked forward towards the gate from the final stair.

_ ‘This is it. Crescentwood Mansion.’ _

Kalluto looked around in the darkness. The lights situated on the stone pillars on the sides of the large gate illuminated a gray button on a shorter pillar under one of the lights.

Kalluto pressed the call button with hesitance. A harsh buzzing sound emerged from the speaker.

_ “Name?” _

“Oh um… what?”

_ “You got a name?” _

Kalluto blinked.

They didn’t prepare for this. 

He couldn’t exactly make one up on the spot, right?

Or use his real name. Either way he wouldn’t be on the guest list.

“Kalluto. Kalluto Zoldyck.”

_ “Zoldyck, huh? Well right off the bat, you’re incredibly suspicious…” _

Kalluto felt their mouth thin during the pause. The person behind the speaker spoke again.

_ “Not on the list. Now scram.” _

The speaker abandoned sound and the night went dead quiet.

Kalluto pressed the button again. The harsh buzz filled the air.

_ “What do you want?” _

“Listen, my brother is at this party and I  _ really  _ need to see him-”

_ “Listen, bub, you’re not on the list. We can’t let ya in. So either get lost or we’ll make ya.” _

“You don’t understand-”

_ “No you don't understand. Lemme guess, Killua Zoldyck is your brother, huh?” _

Kalluto was taken aback. He wasn’t sure why. They had known Killua would be at this party.

Maybe it was the fact that they were hearing his brother’s name coming out of a stranger’s pair of lips.

“Y-Yes. That’s right.”

_ “Funny, because he himself, along with the host of this shindig, asked us to send anyone away who claimed to be related to him. So I’m not gonna tell ya again. You better scram. This is your last warning.” _

How close did Killua have to be with Edgar Lalune III to make such a request? Or was it granted from a threat?

The speaker reverted to silence once more.

Kalluto sighed.

What was he doing? They’re a professional assassin.

He jumped straight up, faster than the naked eye could notice.

He stayed on the edge of the pathway, leaping from tree to tree, lamp to lamp.

Kalluto noticed a faint growl to their left, where the forest expanded.

_ ‘Security dogs?’ _

Kalluto stopped and hung onto a lamp’s pole. He turned his head slowly, taking in the area. 

_ ‘The dogs come from the forest. Probably an extra security measure so guests stay on the path.’ _

Kalluto sighed.

“This path sure is long.” He muttered to himself.

Their eyes shifted suddenly. A large dog with vicious teeth lunged at them.

Kalluto forced himself to stay silent and to keep in his yell.

“Whoa!”

He jumped up and continued leaping as the dog started to bark, along with many others that joined it’s chorus.

Kalluto looked back as they leaped. A pack of large dogs were chasing them.

_ ‘Crap. They’ll definitely alert someone.’ _

Kalluto broke through the wind as he sprung over another large gate, kimono nearly getting caught on the pointed spike-like decorative pieces lining the top edge.

Kalluto was too late to notice that he completely leaped over the heads of a couple of security guards standing on either side of the gate that filtered out the dogs from beyond it.

“Hey! Get back here!”

_ ‘Crap crap crap.’ _

Kalluto looked over his shoulder again. The guards seemed to be slowed down by the dogs.

_ ‘Ok. I can still make it.’ _

Kalluto turned his attention back to what was in front of him.

They gasped.

They sunk down into a tree and hid amongst the leaves.

He panted, catching his breath.

Kalluto moved the branches to the side and focused his aura at his eyes.

Sure enough, Kalluto could see the hidden forcefield of Nen past that point.

_ ‘En?’ _

The bubble was big enough to swallow the entire width of the path next to it’s center.

Kalluto looked around for the source.

The sphere of aura centered around an entity inside the branches of a tree on the edge of the path, just as Kalluto was hidden.

He moved inside the tree slowly, trying to get a better look at who was inside the one across from them.

Kalluto could see the profile of an older man, eyes serious, brows furrowed, and the lower half of his face hiding under a clean black beard growing no longer past his boxed jawline, with the exception of the facial hair growing at his chin, where the length of the beard made it past the ends of his face.

Sharp eyes met theirs and Kalluto felt their stomach drop in slow motion.

They blocked their aura nodes, engulfing themselves in a state of Zetsu.

Kalluto slipped away into the darkness of the forest, running with silent footsteps. Assassin’s footsteps.

He could hear the man’s combat boots running after him.

“Oh no you don’t.”

It wasn’t long until the man lost track of them with the lack of their presence.

Kalluto watched him look around from behind a bush. Kalluto’s hands shook.

_ ‘Killing him would do no good. I must restrain myself.’ _

The man reactivated his En. Though Kalluto could tell he would soon run out of aura.

The man seemed to have realized this himself, as he opted for using his remaining aura to blast himself up into the sky. 

Strange. He was looking down at the area below him with his arms crossed, yet it looked as if he was standing on the air. As if he was defying gravity.

When he came back down, Kalluto was no longer hidden within the bush.

Standing only a few feet away from the man, Kalluto flicked open their fan.

The man let out a confident chuckle from his chest.

“I got you now!”

Kalluto simply clicked his tongue as he scattered confetti into the air.

With their fan, they manipulated the scraps of paper to surround and spin around the man rapidly.

“What’s going on? Hey!”

The man’s arms were bent to shelter his face.

Kalluto exited the scene, jumping straight up and leaping over trees until the mansion was in view.

  
  


Behind a hedge was where they stood, peeking from the side to observe what was beyond it.

People in gowns and suits of varying styles and colors had themselves distributed around the area, sitting on benches, standing by doors, sitting at the fountain, drinking sparkling champagne out of tall glasses, taking long drags out of cigars rolled up in brown paper, all surrounded by some sort of essence of glamour.

As for the mansion itself behind the fountain-

Well, what could Kalluto possibly say?

It was  _ large _ , much larger than Kalluto had anticipated. Much larger than the one they themselves resided in.

In fact, saying that the home was ‘large’ would be a ridiculous understatement.

Kalluto estimated the mansion to be about three stories tall, sitting on land extending beyond 100,000 square feet.

Kalluto could only stare in awe.

He forced himself to snap out of their daze. The man would definitely be emerging from the forest any second now.

Kalluto walked calmly into the front courtyard from behind the hedge, hoping to fit in with the glamorous guests lounging and socializing amongst themselves.

Now was the hard part: deciding how to enter.

It wasn’t completely clear if the man chasing Kalluto had given up, but they could always take the chance and walk through the front entrance normally, like everyone else.

But taking risks and gambles was much more than Kalluto could afford.

However, Kalluto was not familiar with the property. And taking into account its size, it would take a considerable amount of time to walk around the perimeter.

Overall, there was too much that had to be thought about. 

Kalluto would have to take a risk, and pray that he wouldn’t cause a scene if the man were to catch up to him before he could reach the threshold.

No one answers the prayers of a killer.

“Stop right there!”

Kalluto looked behind their shoulder only to see the man from before sprinting right towards them.

Without missing a second, Kalluto sent dust flying behind them as they dived for the entrance, shattering the essence of glamour all at once as a hundred eyes focused themselves on him.

Feeling those eyes and hearing that shock was not something sweet, obedient, and neglected Kalluto was accustomed to.

Kalluto felt the shift in setting as soon as he made it through the doors. 

The open space, crisp summer air, and soft beam from the courtyard lamps and moonlight overhead turned into a large hallway, (in comparison to most,) with a small width from wall to wall, (in comparison to the courtyard right outside those walls,) and a suffocating warm yellow glow radiating from hallway lights placed along the walls.

Everything about the hall felt like a trap enclosing itself around Kalluto.

Kalluto ran through the hall, turning corners and avoiding the bodies of those standing in the hallway, sending a lash of wind their way as he passed.

Before Kalluto could even process where he was heading, they ran past two tall and wide glass doors, opened fully in welcome, and right into a ballroom.

And before they could hit the breaks on their heels, Kalluto felt himself crash straight into a body. 

The crash was followed by a high pitched yelp and various gasps and sounds of concern as both bodies fell to the floor.

Kalluto felt his heart drop into an abyss as soon as the realization of who he bumped into hit him.

And it hit him like a truck.

Right under him were a pair of pale blue eyes reflecting the same shock their own pink eyes displayed.

Kalluto felt his pupils contract as the dots connected in his mind.

Kalluto knew exactly who those pale blue eyes belonged to.

“Little Brother?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i really thought i would only be writing 2 chapters but i should've known my tendency to write way more than i originally plan would overpower me.  
> well, more kalluto content for us, then.  
> this chapter probably sucks idk it was a little hard to write ngl. felt like i did a lot of telling and not a lot of showing in comparison to chapter 1. i hope you guys still enjoyed it.
> 
> comments and kudos are always appreciated, as well as twitter dms


	3. Crescentwood Mansion

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> it's bestie time

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> guess what? you get a long chapter this time as a treat :)  
> the previous chapters have been around 2.3k words but this one is 7.3k. That's why it took longer for me to write.
> 
> content warning! kalluto and alluka talk about misgendering, euphoria and dysphoria, and their mom's weird ass logic so if that's upsetting but you still want to see them being besties, i'll put in some warnings and summarize some important stuff in the end notes. Bold dashes = content warning

The ballroom was burdened with silence.

A heavy, uncomfortable silence.

The kind of silence that is created when you’re holding your breath, restricting your lungs and feeling your body prepare itself to die.

Kalluto pushed themselves back. He felt their back collide with someone’s legs.

He craned his head back to see who was standing over them.

It was the man who was chasing after him. 

He looked down at Kalluto, crossing his arms. 

The perspective from Kalluto’s eyes deepened the edges and wrinkles on his face with shadow and turned his sharp eyes into daggers.

Kalluto froze.

“You’ve got nowhere to run.” Said the man.

“Is there a problem, Mr. Tsezguerra?”

A sweet voice, sweet like cotton candy, brought Kalluto’s attention back to the person with blue eyes.

Guests around her helped her up. She adjusted the hat on her head.

The hat was spring green, decorated with pink circles, no, _faces,_ going around the side of the hat in a pattern.

The same pattern was found on the pink beads that had the dark hair framing her face threaded through them in bundles.

“I apologize if this trespasser caused any trouble for our esteemed guests. They’ll be escorted out immediately.”

“Why? I was allowed to bring a plus-one, wasn’t I?”

Kalluto stared at her.

She couldn’t be serious.

The burdening silence was replaced by a confusing one. The air was laced with perplexity.

Tsezguerra blinked at her. He cleared his throat

“You must’ve misheard me, miss. This is a trespasser. They are to be escorted away from the premises. Immediately.”

“I’m sorry, Mr. Tsezguerra, but I think you’re the one who misunderstands,”

The girl walked over to Kalluto, meeting his eyes. Kalluto tried to push himself further back, only to hit the obstacle of the man’s legs once more.

The girl smiled weakly at him. She reached out her hand.

“He’s with me.”

Kalluto’s eyes widened in shock. He stared intensely at her hand. 

He could see every line and crease on her palms.

Kalluto took it with hesitance.

“I’m sure there was just a misunderstanding at the front gate.” The girl pulled Kalluto up from the ground.

“Tough security,”

The girl’s eyes met theirs again.

“Huh, Kalluto?” She said with a sly smile.

Estranged Big Sister Alluka.

She was certainly different than Kalluto remembered.

Kalluto flinched at the use of his name.

He stared at her, eyebrows furrowed.

‘ _What are you doing?’_

Alluka smiled sweetly at Tsezguerra, who had his narrowed eyes glaring a hole at the back of Kalluto’s head.

“This shouldn’t be a problem, right?” She raised the pitch of her voice ever so slightly.

“This is something that could be resolved rather quickly, don’t you think?”

“I… suppose.”

Kalluto turned around. Tsezguerra’s glare dulled.

“I must’ve misread the situation. I apologize.”

Kalluto blinked in surprise.

“Please enjoy the party.” 

Kalluto could hear Tsezguerra’s combat boots against the ballroom’s polished floor as he turned to go.

Murmurs and whispers came out of hundreds of mouths. They weren’t distinct enough to comprehend, and Kalluto didn’t need to know what everyone was saying, but his heart started to pound with anxiousness and they couldn’t seem to stop the fuel that the whispers delivered.

The ballroom’s atmosphere gradually went back to the way it was before Kalluto arrived.

He felt his sister’s grip on their hand tighten.

“Kalluto.”

Kalluto turned his head. 

“What are you doing here?”

Her tone completely changed.

Sweet like cotton candy now sounded like a low echo inside of a dark cave.

The gleam in her eyes changed, too.

Kalluto opened his mouth to speak, but not a sound came out.

Estranged Big Sister Alluka was different.

 _Much_ different.

The shadow on Alluka’s face darkened.

“If you’re here to drag my brother and me back to that mountain, you might as well just leave.” She said in a low voice, a voice that excluded anyone else from hearing. 

A voice kept amongst themselves.

“I’m serious.”

She let go of his hand.

“N-No! That’s not why I’m here.”

Kalluto waved their hands, a hint of desperation in the air threading in between their fingers.

Alluka raised an eyebrow. Kalluto’s fingers curled closer into their palms.

“Honest.”

Alluka stared at him skeptically. After a moment of consideration, she breathed in deeply. Her tone of voice lifted, lighter than the air.

“Okay. If you say so. But one step out of line,”

She stepped closer towards Kalluto. Once again, her voice was weighed down by darkness.

“And I’ll make sure you regret it.”

Kalluto felt fear seep into his heart.

Alluka turned her back.

“Enjoy the party.” She said coolly, voice no longer dark.

“W-Wait.”

Alluka discontinued her walking and turned her head over her shoulder.

“What is it?”

Kalluto sighed. They fought the urge to drop their body into a slouch, an urge he hadn’t felt since emerging from his toddler years.

How pathetic did they have to be to feel any dose of exhaustion from this? He’s never had to carry all this worry before, all this responsibility, even when he was with The Troupe.

“I promise I’m not here to bring you back home. Promise.” 

Alluka turned herself around to face Kalluto once more. She crossed her arms as she shifted her weight onto her right leg.

“But I _really_ need to speak to Killua.”

Kalluto’s expression wrote a plea. He hoped he didn’t come off as any more suspicious than he already was to their older sister.

“I don’t know what you want to say to him, but chances are he doesn’t wanna hear it.” Alluka said.

She sighed.

“Plus he left like, thirty minutes ago so I guess you missed your chance.”

Kalluto felt himself deflate. His arms dropped to his sides and his lips formed a gap in between themselves.

_‘Damn it… I was too late. How do I fix my plan? Milluki should almost be done with Illumi’s new tool by now. Killua has to know. What do I do now?’_

Alluka’s eyes softened.

“Hey, are you alright?” She walked over to them and placed her hand on Kalluto’s arm.

Kalluto flinched at the contact.

The softness in her eyes vanished with a blink.

“Wow. Looks like you’re just as touched-starved as our brother is.”

She sounded surprised.

Kalluto’s dejected face tightened in confusion. Alluka laughed at their expression.

“You look funny like that.”

Kalluto’s rising panic subsided as Alluka’s laugh lit up her face.

“You’re definitely touch-starved. I guess all three of us might be.”

She smiled. Kalluto noticed it dwindle.

Alluka looked down to the side. Kalluto caught a glint of melancholy in her eyes.

They stayed like that for a moment until she looked back up at them.

“Hey, wanna hang out?”

Kalluto clenched his eyes shut and opened them in surprise. Everything that came from Alluka was unexpected. He gawked at her.

“Are you being serious or are you messing with me?”

Alluka giggled.

“I’m serious! Ever since Big Brother left with his _boyfriend_ , I’ve been pretty bored at this party. There aren’t a lot of kids my age here.”

Kalluto’s eyes widened.

“Boyfriend?”

“I’m just teasing. Gon isn’t his boyfriend…” 

Alluka paused.

“Yet.”

Kalluto’s mouth quirked a tiny smile.

“So, do you wanna hang out with me?”

Kalluto remembered her outstretched hand and her palms and the lines inscribed on her skin. He remembered the warmth transferring over to his hand as she pulled them up from the ground.

All he could think about was how he’s never grabbed a hand so warm before.

Or maybe he has.

Maybe they’ve grabbed the same hand many times before and lost the memory in a sea of ache and envy.

Maybe their hand cooled down before he had a chance to preserve the way it felt like to have their sister’s molecules buzz around inside his skin.

Her hand was outreached again, only this time, not literally. 

Somehow, this felt more welcome. 

Kalluto took it in his own.

“... Okay.”

Alluka walked away with a skip. She turned around.

“What are you standing around for? Come on! We have a whole mansion to explore!”

Kalluto only looked at her. He noticed something.

Something was _off_ about him.

He didn’t know if tar pits dried up, but they couldn’t feel themselves sinking anymore.

“What? Do you like my outfit?”

“Huh?”

_‘Oh. I must have been staring.’_

“I’m a jiangshi.” She reached out both arms and hopped.

Kalluto felt a chuckle rise from his chest. They observed their sister’s outfit.

A dark forest green garment split on both sides was worn over long pink sleeves and loose white pants. The gold flower brooches pinned to her clothing and the red bow brooch pinned at her collar provided enhancement to her outfit.

She looked… pretty.

“I’m a…” He looked down at his kimono.

It was one they often wore.

Black fabric adorned with red-orange flowers behind white and lilac petals.

It was a bit dirty from the earlier events.

‘ _What kind of kimono did Mother say it was again? A… furisode. That’s right.’_

“Young, unmarried woman.”

Alluka laughed.

“That’s funny. I like your kimono.”

“Oh.”

Kalluto felt himself heat up at the compliment. He hadn’t received one since-

_“I like your hair.”_

_Kalluto whipped their head around._

_“What was that?”_

_“I think it’s pretty.” Shizuku pushed up her glasses._

_“I wanted my hair to look like that when I got it cut…” She said, bouncing the bottom of her hair with her hand._

_“You’re lucky.”_

_Kalluto stuttered._

_“I like your hair, too.”_

_“Really?”_

_“Um… yes.”_

_“That’s nice of you, Kalluto. Thanks.”_

_‘It’s not a good time right now.’_

“Thank you.”

“Why did you start wearing them anyway?”

Kalluto felt paralysis stiffen his body.

Did Alluka want the real reason?

“Um-”

“Come on. We can talk about it when we get to the bar.”

Kalluto felt themselves being pulled out of the ballroom by the hand.

“The what?”

“Yeah there’s _two_ of them. Can you believe it? I mean, how rich is this guy anyway?”

They walked throughout the hall. It wasn’t as suffocating as Kalluto thought. 

It was still warm, though. Only not unbearably.

Kalluto noticed things about the halls that they hadn’t noticed before.

Intricate designs on pillars that formed tall arcs overhead, reaching the high ceiling.

Kalluto let his eyes wander and look up and all around as they were led around corners and taken deeper into the corridor.

Their mouth was parted slightly open as he took in every amazing detail.

It truly was excellent decor and wonderful architecture.

He almost didn’t notice that they stopped walking and were now standing at a fork in the road.

“Was it this way…” Alluka looked down one of the hallways. She turned her head to look down the other one.

“Or that way?”

Kalluto let his sister ponder.

She held her head in her hands and groaned.

“Why does this mansion have to be so big? I wish we could just teleport to the bar I found earlier.”

“Wait, can’t you do that?”

Alluka looked over at them, puzzled.

“Teleport?”

“No. Can’t you wish for something like that?”

Alluka tried to comprehend his words.

Kalluto watched as it suddenly clicked inside her mind.

“Oh! Wishes! Um…”

She scratched the back of her neck.

“I haven’t tried wishing for anything for myself since… since I was younger.” 

Alluka fidgeted with her hair.

“It’s a really… weird thing to do. I’m only a medium, after all. Besides, Nanika’s asleep right now and she doesn’t really grant wishes that much anymore. Not unless my brother says it’s an emergency.”

“Oh.”

_‘Who is Nanika?’_

A few seconds of silence passed while they were standing in the hall. Alluka had some sort of despondent energy to her. It seemed like whatever she was thinking about was something to think back on distantly, like staring at a scar that was once a deep wound.

“Big Sister?”

“Hm?”

“So… which way is it?”

They looked at each other for a moment until Alluka broke into laughter.

Her sounds melted away the silence.

“I don’t know. I say we go…” 

Alluka looked down each hallway one last time.

“This way.”

She pointed to the one to her left.

“Okay.”

They walked down the hall and turned a corner. Two big doors were hinged onto the wall on their left and two more of the same, big doors were hinged onto the opposite wall, making each half of the hallway mirror each other.

There was one singular door at the end of the hallway. Alluka’s eyes lit up when she saw it.

“This is it!”

She ran over to the door and grabbed onto the door knob.

She twisted it, happy to see that the knob hadn’t rejected her attempts to open the door.

“It’s still unlocked!”

Alluka pushed it open. Darkness was waiting for them beyond it.

“Be careful. There are stairs.”

Over the threshold, the cold atmosphere seeped out and stole the warmth from the hall. Alluka stepped over it and carefully walked down the staircase.

Kalluto followed, holding onto the cold metal railing.

Alluka’s foot stepped too far near the edge and slipped off.

“Whoa-”

“Alluka-”

Kalluto quickly grabbed her wrist. Alluka regained her balance.

Kalluto let out a sigh of relief.

“Sister, maybe I should walk in front. I’m pretty sure I’m able to see better in the dark than you’re able to.”

Alluka laughed, airy and nervous.

“Yeah probably.”

She turned her body to allow her sibling to walk down the stairs past her.

“Hold on to the railing.” Reminded Kalluto.

“Oh yeah! I should’ve done that.”

Kalluto shook his head and let out a chuckle that seemed more like a light exhale from their nose.

“And you said _I_ should be careful.”

“Whatever.” 

Kalluto could hear her smile.

Kalluto stepped onto the floor. 

“There’s another door here.”

Alluka hopped off the last stair. 

Kalluto could hear her shoes make contact with the stone floor.

“Open it. I think it might be unlocked.”

Sure enough, the door opened with ease.

Kalluto brushed off the confusion as to why the doors allowed themselves to be opened in the first place. Shouldn’t they be locked?

“Let me look for a light switch-”

Alluka was a few steps in front of them, however, as by the time he finished his sentence, the chandeliers hanging from the ceiling radiated glow all over the room.

When Kalluto’s eyes finished adjusting, he couldn’t help but look around in awe.

_‘This house really is incredible.’_

Alluka ran over to one of the leather loveseats and leaped onto it, bouncing herself on the cushion. She grinned.

“Alluka,”

Kalluto slowly walked further into the room, the stone floor turned into hardwood under his sandals.

“This isn’t just a bar. This is a _speakeasy.”_

“Same difference.” Alluka said, flicking her hand.

“What, you’ve been to one before?”

Kalluto’s eyes shifted away from her.

“I… I guess so.”

Kalluto shook away another memory of The Spiders.

Alluka gasped.

“Wow! There’s a whole stage!” 

She was practically beaming.

Alluka jumped over the steps that brought the ground down to a shorter level.

Dashing past a couple tables, she climbed up onto the stage and skipped in a circle.

“This is so cool!”

Kalluto stepped into the lower area.

“Haven’t you been here before?”

Alluka leaped off the stage.

“Not really. Big Brother took a peek into the room and said it was a bar and wouldn’t let Gon and I in.”

“Oh.”

He paused.

“Who’s Gon?”

Alluka blinked.

“Oh that’s right! You probably don't know him. He’s Big Brother’s best friend. He came with us as his _plus-one.”_ Alluka explained, saying the last word with a playful inflection and a wink.

“The ‘boyfriend?’”

Alluka giggled loudly.

“Uh huh. But don’t tell him I said that.”

She leaped up to the higher ground.

“Or actually, do tell him. It’s funny when he gets embarrassed.”

Kalluto brought their finger up to their chin in thought. 

_‘His best friend, huh?_

_Gon… I’ve heard that name being mentioned before.’_

“Could Gon be a boy with spiky, dark hair and light brown eyes?”

Alluka turned around.

“You’ve met him?”

“Is that him? Because if so, then I guess I have. He didn’t say his name when we met, though.”

“Oh. How’d you meet?”

Kalluto twitched. He hesitated.

“A few years ago, he came to the mansion looking for Killua.” They said carefully.

Alluka hummed.

“Oh I see. I remember hearing that story. You were there?”

Kalluto felt a pang in his chest. He wasn’t even important enough to even be mentioned by either of them.

Maybe he didn’t play an integral role in the story, but Kalluto still felt upset. 

Maybe he was being irrational.

“Yeah.”

“Gotcha.”

Kalluto was late to notice that something else had grabbed their sister’s attention.

How much energy did this girl have?

It was amusing to see her so fascinated.

Alluka sprung over to the bar. She slid behind it.

“What can I get ya?” She said in a comically deep voice.

“Sister, are you sure you should be back there?”

Alluka snorted.

“No. But nobody’s coming through that door. Don’t worry about it.”

Kalluto sighed.

_‘If you say so…’_

He sat down on a bar stool.

Alluka spoke.

“What were we going to talk about again?”

Kalluto’s grip tightened around the edge of the bar stool at the recollection.

Hopefully she’d forget what she asked and decide on a different topic.

She squinted, recalling what they had been saying to each other before.

She shot up, pressing her hands against the counter.

Kalluto jumped at the noise.

“Oh I remember! I asked you when you started wearing kimonos!”

Kalluto felt his insides burn.

“You did.” He said, grimacing slightly.

“So,” Alluka dragged out the word.

“When _did_ you?”

**\--**

Kalluto shifted in his seat. The air from his mouth shook as they exhaled.

“Well, a long time ago, Mother had children’s kimonos shipped to Kukuroo Mountain,” He started.

“Just in case she was to be expecting a g-” Kalluto stopped himself.

Alluka’s curiosity was overlapped with slight sadness.

“It’s okay. You can continue.” She said, her sweet voice a bit quieter.

Kalluto looked away from her.

“Okay. So um, she wanted me to try them on for her one day because she was feeling sad and I wanted her to feel better.” 

He brushed his hair behind his ear.

“They felt nice to wear so… I just kept wearing them.”

Alluka smiled.

“Euphoria.”

“Huh?”

“It’s the happy feeling you get when you do something that feels right _for you,_ even when other people discourage you from doing it _._ Like, when you validate yourself through the things that you love that make you into someone you want to be. _”_

“Oh.”

Kalluto supposed they did feel euphoric when they wore a kimono. They left it at that.

Kalluto spared Alluka the full story. 

Maybe it was for her sake. Or maybe he only wanted to avoid mentioning his pit of envy.

Maybe it was both.

After Kalluto was born, Kikyou was informed that her body was at its limit. She couldn’t risk bearing any more children.

It was fine. She’s had enough children for her lifetime. She’s produced enough assassins. She’s produced a talented _heir_. 

But Kalluto knew she always wanted a little girl.

Kalluto wasn’t a little girl, but they didn’t feel entirely like a little boy either. It was possible that they were neither. So he was good enough, right?

Apparently his sister wasn’t good enough.

Mother still saw her as a little boy, just as she always has.

But at least Alluka was good enough for Killua.

Kalluto had Mother, and Alluka had Killua.

When Alluka didn’t have Killua anymore, Kalluto still had Mother. 

So they didn’t know exactly why they felt so _discontent_. He had a couple of speculations, though.

Maybe it only mattered with Alluka because Kalluto was Mother’s way to cope with the fact that she didn’t believe she had a daughter.

She’s coped this way since his birth, but Mother didn’t cope the same way with Alluka.

Having Kalluto, her youngest child, must’ve been the breaking point.

Kalluto wasn’t sure his mother saw him as anything but a boy either. Maybe she was only pleased by the way they liked to express themselves. Maybe it reminded her of what could’ve been, even though she was longing for something she already had, yet refused to accept.

Kalluto couldn’t say for sure what made him so different from his sister in their mother’s eyes, but they did know that no matter what, it would never make sense.

Was two genderqueer kids too much? Crossing a line? Did she think it would pass with Kalluto, but knew deep inside that it wasn’t just an expression with Alluka? Did she have specific images in her mind for what she wanted her kids to be and did Alluka not match up to them?

Nothing made sense.

Whatever Mother made Alluka feel, it could probably be described as the opposite of euphoria.

Probably.

Probably up until she stopped caring so much. When Alluka was finally allowed to touch the dollhouse and play dress up with princess gowns. 

Maybe that’s when Alluka felt euphoric.

What changed? Did Mother see her hypocrisy? Or did she think it was just a phase?

Kalluto didn’t exactly understand.

Kalluto has felt euphoric on various occasions.

He felt euphoria when he looked in the mirror after trying on a new kimono, ignoring the bandages wrapped around his body, covering the wounds they got from training. 

That was when they thought

_‘I look pretty.’_

For the first time.

At the time, Kalluto didn’t wear kimonos as often. Only when Mother looked sad or when he was feeling bad about himself and wanted to feel good, even if it was only a temporary, fleeting feeling.

But Killua loved Alluka.

And Alluka embraced femininity.

So Kalluto’s pit of envious asphalt multiplied in volume. 

And in a desperate attempt to _be noticed_ and to _feel loved_ by their older brother, they used the sticky tar to paste their kimonos against their skin.

But of course, a difference was hardly made.

Kalluto had to acknowledge that it wasn’t Alluka’s femininity that made her loved, but the fact that _she was Alluka._

She was her authentic self.

And Killua loved her authentic self.

Killua did not care enough to love Kalluto.

Perhaps he thought of them the same as the rest.

It was disheartening to come to terms with it, and it made the tar of envy become darker and grosser and stickier, but Kalluto noticed it much less when he was with The Phantom Troupe, where it could’ve been that he was only tricking himself into believing that they belonged, but because it felt so good, like he was really meant to be there, Kalluto began to take comfort in their place inside the group.

Kalluto began to take comfort in their place among the band of thieves and the kimonos that they wore, sleeves stuck onto his skin with an adhesive made of pain and hate.

For once, Kalluto forgot what the adhesive was made of and just basked in the euphoria.

Kimonos felt good to wear; not because he was trying to please someone or grab attention, but because they were what _they_ wanted to wear.

Killua was only what pushed them to wear them more.

Killua was only an excuse to do what they always wanted to do.

In that aspect, Kalluto was grateful for Killua.

Euphoric.

Kalluto hadn’t felt that way since before they stepped off The Black Whale, filled with desolation. Everything was on the verge of spilling out of him with every step he took on the docks.

Desolation kept him together, filled them like a water balloon, and substituted for their bones and muscles.

They were always on the verge of collapsing with every bit of grief within them lost when it had managed to leak out of his soles.

He hadn’t felt the way they did with The Troupe since they were all still alive.

But he was feeling it now.

The forgetfulness and the euphoria. All of it.

He was feeling it now with Alluka.

Alluka walked out from behind the bar and sat on the stool beside him.

She opened her mouth to speak and then abruptly closed it again, as if she hadn’t decided on the pattern of words to string together and release them into the atmosphere quite yet.

She finally managed to settle on an order of words.

“Remember when I mentioned how I tried to make a wish when I was little?”

“Yes.”

“Well, It was about… a few years after I was locked in that room. Maybe I was eight or nine? I’m not too sure. My concept of time was kinda… all over the place.” Alluka waved her hand, a gesture that went along with the last part of what she said.

“Well, I’ve always felt like a girl. I’ve always known I was a girl. And I felt validation through a lot of things that I owned like my toys and clothing. But… there was one thing that made me feel… absolutely awful.”

Kalluto nodded his head, letting their sister know that they were listening. Alluka continued.

“Our brothers kept referring to me as ‘he’ and ‘him.’” Alluka clenched her eyes for a second.

“‘Brother,’ nouns like that. Mama and Papa, they referred to me as ‘it’ and ‘thing,’ which isn’t any better.”

Alluka rested her jaw on her palm. Her elbow was propped up with the counter under it.

“It was really bothering me. It was like even though they let me express myself however I wanted, they still refused to take me seriously and see me as _me.”_

Alluka sighed. She paused for a moment.

“It was only me and Nanika in that room together for years, at least when we were conscious. She was the only company I had, and she helped me cope with the fact. Nanika just helped me out so much. Kept me sane enough to continue being optimistic.”

Kalluto’s mouth thinned as he felt guilt rush inside of him.

While they were feeling envious of their sister and some sinister form of happiness that she was no longer in the way, Alluka was spending every day in the same room, with barely any human contact, constantly othered and made uncomfortable by people she was supposed to call ‘family.’

Kalluto still had no idea who Nanika was, but Nanika seemed like someone very dear to his sister. 

_‘Nanika must be kind.’_

“I guess I just had enough of it at some point. I had enough of being referred to with the wrong words. So I asked Nanika if she could grant _me_ a wish. Nanika didn’t know, but she was scared to try it out because every time we were tested, massive destruction would follow and we would only be seen as monsters.”

Alluka was spinning her hat by the tassel over the counter, letting it drop and picking it up and spinning it again.

“Of course, I respected Nanika’s feelings. I felt the same way. It was a risky thing.”

Alluka let the hat fall on the counter one last time.

“Do you want to know what I wished for?”

“Only if you want to tell me.” Kalluto answered.

Alluka let the room become quiet as she prepared herself.

“I… I wished I was a girl.”

Kalluto looked at her with sympathetic eyes.

“But you were already a girl. You always have been.”

Alluka gave a short and breathy chuckle.

“That’s what Nanika told me. She told me that I didn’t need to make the wish because I already was what I wished to be and what I felt like inside.”

Alluka widened her smile, just a little bit.

“Hearing that made me so… _euphoric._ That’s when I realized that she was the one that mattered the most. She and my Big Brother. And as long as they loved me, I would be okay.”

Kalluto felt like he was walking over the dried up pit, sandals sticking to the tar below them but being able to pull them away with the simple action of walking.

Kalluto felt empathy.

Kalluto felt somewhat loved by The Phantom Troupe, and for a while, they found themselves not caring if the family they were born into loved him or not, much to his disbelief.

Because Phinks, Machi, Franklin-

They mattered.

Or at least mattered more to him than Milluki or even Illumi. And their relationships with them weren’t, by any means, _bad._ In fact, they spoke on occasion, like when he’d go on missions with Illumi and assist him when it came to favors (Illumi was the one who inspired Kalluto to associate with The Spiders in the first place.) Or when Milluki felt slightly more social than usual and let Kalluto observe Alluka with him when he was repairing the security cameras in her vault.

But although he looked up to Illumi and spoke to Milluki from time to time, the only people who made them feel loved were certain members of The Troupe.

Kalluto didn’t know they needed it, but the form of ‘love’ he received from The Spiders was more than he could ask for from The Zoldycks.

As long as they cared for him, even somewhat, he didn’t really need The Zoldyck’s love.

And they would be okay.

But although The Spiders felt like family, they didn’t feel like family _enough._

Sometimes, his craving for Killua’s love and attention overpowered what he felt when he was with The Troupe.

Just thinking about the potential-

The amount of love Killua felt for his younger sister was much more than what The Troupe felt for Kalluto.

Was he selfish for wanting to strive for that?

**\--**

Kalluto fidgeted with their thumbs.

“Big Sister, I’m glad you trusted me enough to tell me this. What our family put you through was… heinous.”

Kalluto swallowed before continuing.

Kalluto felt like he didn’t know a thing about Killua. But he did understand one thing.

He understood why he loved Alluka so much.

“You deserve all of Killua’s love. Every ounce.”

Alluka’s eyes sparkled.

“You- You really mean that?”

Kalluto blinked and looked away.

“Yes.” He muttered.

“And Nanika’s love too. Whoever she is.”

Alluka smiled. It was soft but wide. Sunny and gentle.

“Can I hug you, Kalluto?”

Kalluto felt anxious. But he took a leap. A risk.

“Yes.”

Alluka gently looped her arms around their neck. The underside of her jaw rested on their shoulder.

Kalluto’s shaking hands went under her arms and laid themselves flat on her back.

“Little Brother, what our family did to _all of us_ was heinous. Their abuse really screwed all of us up. That’s why we stick together. To support each other.”

Kalluto buried his face in her hair. It smelled like coconuts and vanilla.

“I’m not sure if you still consider Kukuroo Mountain _home,_ but Big Brother and I don’t. We hardly ever did. That’s… that’s not what home is supposed to feel like. I hope I made you understand that.”

“Yes. I know… I want to leave forever.”

Alluka pursed her lips. After a moment, she pulled away from the embrace. She still held onto his shoulders.

“Listen, I’m not sure what our brother would think of this, he’d probably think that I made an impulsive mistake trusting you, but if you aren’t lying about bringing us back, I want you to consider _us_ your home.”

Kalluto’s heart stopped inside his chest.

“I feel like we were always meant to be siblings. And I also want to be your friend.”

Kalluto stared at her.

Estranged Big Sister Alluka.

Not so estranged anymore.

Everything that came from her was unexpected.

“Big Sister, I think… I think I feel the same way.”

_‘I think it’s time to let go of envy…’_

Alluka’s face practically screamed ‘ecstatic.’

“Really? I’m so happy!”

Kalluto smiled. It didn’t reach their eyes, but it felt big to him.

_‘… And embrace friendship.’_

  
  


Short story cut even shorter, Kalluto and Alluka were discovered in the speakeasy by one of Edgar Lalune III’s butlers and were promptly kicked out. 

Alluka’s natural charm and sweetness saved them from _too_ much trouble. Afterwards, they both just laughed, speculating that the speakeasy was somewhere the butler went to drink to relieve work stress in secret and was surprised when he saw two kids sitting there.

Maybe _he_ was the one who left the doors unlocked.

Exploring such an enormous mansion with Alluka was an adventure filled with sliding down stair railings, scanning library bookshelves, losing each other among the gathering in the grand foyer (which definitely brought Kalluto some anxiousness,) scrolling through photos taken of incredible sights saved on Alluka’s phone while sitting on a couch in the ballroom (which was more of an incredibly spacious lounge under shiny floors,) standing from balconies and imagining the conversations people were having down below, watching bartenders mix drinks with extravagance, trying appetizers, and wandering halls, which is what the two siblings found themselves doing nearly two hours later.

“... And then I made Big Brother laugh so hard that it caused an avalanche.”

“Really?” Kalluto’s eyebrows rose.

“Yeah! It’s a good thing nobody else was snowboarding on that mountain. The only reason we survived was because Big Brother used Speed of Lightning to escape. Oh and also because Nanika teleported us out of there.”

“See I knew you could teleport.”

“Yeah but it's only ‘cuz he wished for us to get out of there.”

“And he did not need to complete any requests beforehand?”

“No. Nanika did ask for praise afterwards, though.”

“Oh.”

Kalluto’s eyes drifted back to the patterns and carvings on the wall. They seemed to always manage to captivate them.

The hallways in The Zoldyck Mansion were always warm and dimly lit, though not comforting, and the walls were covered in grim red wallpaper. The hallways were either that, or stoney, cold, and dark.

These walls were light sea green and white and the chandelier crystals hanging from the ceiling glowed white light, not soft orange like the lights on the first floor of the mansion.

“You seem to really like… walls.” Said Alluka.

Kalluto blushed sheepishly.

“I mean, they’re pretty.”

“Mhm, they are, but you seem really _appreciative_.”

“Is that strange?”

“No. Just something I observed.” Alluka brought her hands behind her back.

They walked in silence for a few seconds.

“Once I was in a hallway made of spider threads.” Said Kalluto.

Alluka blinked, puzzled.

“A hallway made of… what?”

“Spider threads. It seemed more like a tunnel from the inside.”

_‘Oh my god, Kalluto. Stop talking. You're making it weird.’_

They didn’t let their internal scolding make it onto their face.

“Wait where even was this? How did you find yourself there?”

Kalluto considered telling their sister about The Phantom Troupe.

They also considered never telling her.

When he was a part of The Troupe, they learned that the band of thieves had actually crossed paths with Killua. Kidnapped him _twice._

Once again, Kalluto was too late.

But they also learned of ‘The Chain User.’ A man who managed to kill two members for the sake of revenge.

Kalluto learned that The Chain User, or should he say _Kurapika,_ was apparently friends with Killua.

Kalluto didn’t know exactly _how_ to feel.

Why did he join The Troupe? To find Killua.

Why did they stay? For the associations. But mostly for a sense of belonging.

But should he really be feeling like he belonged in a group that hurt somebody Killua cares about? 

Not just hurt, either. _Deeply_ hurt.

Kalluto definitely didn’t feel too prideful about that.

Maybe his feelings for The Spiders were amplified by the fact that they were Kalluto’s first exposure to the real world, excluding the assassination missions he went on. They were their first associates. And in contrast to the negligence they faced with their family, acts of basic kindness and even the slightest bit of attention felt like love.

If that Kurapika guy was hurt by The Spiders, and he was friends with Killua, it could very much be likely that he’s also friends with Alluka.

Kalluto didn’t have to go ahead and ruin everything with her.

Not now.

Not when they’re so close to getting what they always wanted.

“I shouldn’t have brought it up.”

Alluka’s mouth curled up into a tiny smile

“No, now you _have_ to tell me. You’ve peaked my interest.”

Kalluto sucked air from his clenched teeth.

“Okay… Well, have you heard about the Chimera Ant incident from about a year ago?”

Alluka’s smile faded.

“Yes. I… have.”

Kalluto noticed the change in her expression. He continued carefully.

“Well, an ant invaded a... _human occupied area_ that I happened to find myself in during that time. I think there was another ant that built her fortress out of spider threads.”

“‘Human occupied area.’” She snorted.

“Why’d you say it like that?” She covered her mouth as she laughed.

Kalluto frowned.

Alluka kept giggling, repeating the phrase to herself.

She seemed to get over her amusement soon enough.

“Well, Little Brother, it seems to me like you’ve been on some adventures yourself. I don’t know why you’re being so secretive about them though.”

Kalluto tensed. Their sister had caught on.

“I hope this means I can still trust you.”

Kalluto turned to her, maybe a little too fervently.

“O-Of course you can!”

Kalluto relaxed themselves, modulating his slightly strong reaction.

“Sorry. I just never really… tell people stories.”

They felt awkward.

Alluka laughed again.

“Kalluto, you’re really easy to bait. Try not to be so alarmed when I tease you.”

“Sorry.” They mumbled.

Alluka’s smile was paired with the slight upwards tilt of her eyebrows.

“It’s okay, Kalluto. Your reactions are kind of funny.”

Alluka looked away and towards the ground. She fidgeted with the brooch on her collar.

“... But also kind of sad. I get the feeling that you’re worried I might ditch you any second.”

Kalluto’s eyes flashed in fear. Alluka was perceptive.

It was a bit comforting, as it made him more confident that Alluka could tell they weren’t lying. But for how long has she been this aware? Is she aware of the dried pit of tar she's been building on?

“You aren’t used to my teasing. Maybe I should tone it down a little.”

Kalluto thinned their lips

He didn’t want to repel Alluka. It was his fault that he didn’t adapt to her playfulness well enough. 

“You don’t have to! If you don’t want to, that is.”

Alluka rolled her eyes. She pushed his head down and ruffled his hair.

“You’re so dorky.”

Kalluto felt the pressure come off of his head.

“Now let’s go. I want to use the bathroom.”

  
  


Kalluto waited outside the bathroom door, leaning against the wall that stretched out from beyond the frame.

He had spent around three hours with their older sister. Although he was having fun with her, his time with her might have distracted him from the reason why he came to Crescentwood Mansion in the first place.

Anxiety started to catch up with them as their back pushed into the wall further, knees sinking lower.

_‘Big Brother Milluki should almost be done with Illu-nii’s tool by now…_

_This isn’t good._

_Alluka would be put in danger if Killua went under Illumi’s control again. He isn’t the type to make the same mistake twice. The needle would be so much stronger._

_Killua might hurt Alluka and Illumi would try to get her under his control, too. This really isn’t good.’_

Three hours and Alluka hadn’t once mentioned Killua’s return.

Why did he leave her alone anyway? Why didn’t he stay at the party? He probably didn’t stay for any longer than an hour. Was he even going to return?

The odds had changed as time passed at the party. It would be a better idea if he just told Alluka. Or asked her if their older brother would be returning to receive very important news.

The bathroom door creaked for a split second before it was thrown wide open.

“Kalluto!”

Kalluto flinched and turned around.

Speak of the Devil.

“Alluka. I think we should ta-”

“Kalluto there's a huge mirror in here! Let’s take a picture and send it to Big Brother!”

Speak of the other Devil.

“O-Oh-”

Alluka grabbed him by the wrist with dewy hands and pulled them into the bathroom.

She was right.

The mirror took up a large fraction of one of the walls inside the bathroom.

Kalluto looked at themselves.

Mother would gasp at his current presentation.

He tidied up his hair and dusted off his kimono.

Alluka dug into her pocket and pulled out her cell phone. She tossed it into Kalluto’s hands, whose reflexes were sharp enough to catch it unprepared, yet not sharp enough to prevent himself from jumbling it before they secured it in between their palms.

“You should take it.”

“Why me?”

Alluka simply shrugged.

Her lockscreen was of a vast field of tulips. He had seen it before when Alluka was showing them pictures on her phone, but they hadn’t realized it then that Killua was featured in it, far off into the distance.

“Wow it’s already late. I’m not tired at all! How about you?”

Kalluto looked down at the time. It was five minutes past midnight.

“Uh no. Me neither.”

“Here let me unlock it.”

Alluka took her cell phone from her sibling’s hands and typed a word into the rectangle displayed on the screen.

“Big Brother made me have a really secure password,”

She tossed it back to him.

“Just in case.”

That's right.

If anyone associated with the Zoldycks got their hands on this phone, Milluki could unlock it easily if the password was a pattern or a sequence of numbers.

Killua must’ve thought of everything.

Kalluto saw Alluka’s reflection change in the mirror from the corners of their eyes. She posed with a peace-sign thrown at her mouth.

Kalluto brought up the phone camera, holding the device delicately. He looked at his own reflection through the phone camera.

_‘What am I doing?’_

“Cheese!”

He lightly pressed the shutter button and took the photo. 

Kalluto looked at the photo he took as it became a part of his sister’s camera roll. He looked at it expressionless. They handed it back to his sister.

Alluka eagerly accepted the phone back into her hands.

She let out a noise in awe.

“Wow! We look so cute! It came out great!”

“Really?”

“Yeah!”

Kalluto watched from behind her as she pressed one of her contacts and attached the picture to her message.

 **Me:** look who i ran into earlier!! :DD :P

Kalluto stared at the sent message.

_‘Why did I let her do that?’_

Killua must’ve thought of everything. Must’ve thought ahead. He wasn’t going to take any chances with Kalluto. Kalluto only wished he had run into Killua and tried to warn and convince him in person. That way, Killua wouldn’t have to worry about Alluka.

Kalluto already predicted that Killua would rush back into the party, fully prepared to do anything to Kalluto for the sake of Alluka. 

Their roles were reversed.

Alluka wasn’t considered family back on Kukuroo Mountain.

Kalluto wouldn’t be considered family here at Crescentwood Mansion. At least, not by Killua.

It would be much more difficult to calm him down enough to get him to listen now.

“Hey,”

The phone’s screen went black.

Once again, Kalluto’s reflection made it into his sight as it appeared against the dark screen.

He looked up at his sister.

“Wanna meet Nanika?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope the concepts that i played around with in this chapter don't contradict too much with what i wrote in the earlier chapters. I also hope this is enough bestie content for you guys. Maybe i'll write more of their interactions in the future.
> 
> anyways, alluka was so fun to write i love her sm.  
> (can you tell that i hc alluka as a gemini and kalluto as a virgo lmao)  
> i hope alluka wasn't too ooc. thats how i imagine she'd turn out to be if she spent like, a year with killua. making threats and shit. since thats how gon turned out after a year with killua. cuz he threatened meleoron that one time... ok yeah  
> in any case, hope this story has been enjoyable so far!
> 
> here are some drawings i made of them being besties
> 
> <https://twitter.com/i/events/1350933624359677954?s=20>  
> 
> 
> I also have a curious cat now so if you want to ask me questions or bully me into updating this fic you can do it here
> 
> <https://curiouscat.qa/natranja>
> 
> by the way, this is what happened in the speakeasy scene: alluka asks kalluto when they started wearing kimonos and he says that he started wearing them for their mom but realized that he actually really likes expressing himself that way. alluka shares her experiences with being misgendered and how it made her dysphoric and how nanika helped her with validation. kalluto feels empathy for his sister and decides that it's time to quit being envious and resentful.


End file.
